


What Dreams Are Made Of

by chonkadonk



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half-Life, Half-Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:54:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24584887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chonkadonk/pseuds/chonkadonk
Summary: gordon has a nightmare and becomes a little touchy
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Comments: 53
Kudos: 450





	1. nightmare

**Author's Note:**

> THIS IS SUPER SHORT BC i wanna get somethin posted to start this bc its gonna have multiple parts >:3

_ Flick. _

_ “Aaand the lights are out. C’mon, guys, who turned out the lights...?” Why did his stomach feel twisted up in tight knots, why did this feel so terrifyingly familiar, why did he feel like he was either going to scream or be sick or both—?! _

_ Suddenly he feels several swift blows hit him, hard enough to knock the wind out of him even with the HEV suit on, and the suddenly he was on the ground and he was being pinned down, now with a flurry of kicks and punches— _

_ And then the lights were on. _

_ And the science team was pinning him down. _

_ “Hello Gor — Has Anyone Seen Dr. Freeman?” Coomer spoke from above Gordon, delivering the painful blows, switching between gut punches and kicks to the side of his head. _

_ “W-What are they doing to mr. freeman??” He was guh-we were guh-guh-gun-go home!!” Tommy’s voice rang out just as it had done before, but he was acting like he  _ wasn’t _ keeping Gordon’s arm held down with surprising strength. _

_ “Didnt I tell you you fucked up? And now youre paying the price!” Bubby spoke up from Gordon’s other arm, leering down at him with a menacing grin. _

_ “oh, yeah! do your job right and he’s gonna be  _ **_dead_ ** _ soon!” And — no, God, please, no — Benrey was coming closer and closer, a blade in his hand. Gordon struggled and fought against the onslaught from the people he  _ thought _ were his friends, and then the blade is slashing through skin —! _

Gordon sat up with a gasp, cold sweat pouring down his face and a shiver tearing through his whole body. Clutching at the stump of his arm (which was now, thankfully, not bleeding, but  _ God _ he could just feel the phantom pains) Gordon tried to take slow, even breaths, even as tears poured out of his eyes.

Fuck.  _ Fuck! _ He just wanted to break down into tears in peace, but he knew he couldn’t; the pale man sleeping in the bed beside him prevented him from doing  _ that. _ If Benrey woke up, he’d have to explain what was wrong, and there was no way in  _ hell _ he could just leave it at “I had a nightmare,” because, for better or for worse, Benrey would push. It could be a blessing and a curse. Right now, it was the latter.

He flipped over onto his side, back facing the sleeping Benrey, and bit down hard on his pillow, trying desperately to contain his screams. (Plus, he had Joshua for the week — on top of not wanting to wake Benrey, he didn’t want to terrify his son by screaming at 3 in the morning. So, he’ll just shove  _ those _ emotions right down!)

He barely slept for the rest of the night.


	2. benrey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> gordon feels a little bit paranoid

The next morning was... tense, to say the least. At least on Gordon’s end. Breakfast was an almost entirely silent affair; Gordon spent most of the time in the kitchen cooking while Benrey sat with Joshua and played his Nintendo Switch TM .

“yoo, joshie, wanna see me do some sick shit?” Cue Benrey, who somehow managed to suddenly glitch himself into a river and began to just aimlessly run around through it, causing Joshua to fall into a heap of giggles. In the kitchen Gordon smiled slightly, but it didn’t last long as Benrey spoke to him. “yo feetman how much longer on the food? bein’ so hilarious is hard work man, got me feelin’ hungyyy.”

“It’ll be ready when it’s ready, Benrey.” His tone was curt, words clipped short, something that... genuinely caught Benrey off guard. He had heard Gordon be angry with him before, but it had been a  _ long _ time since Gordon had actually been so...  _ snippy _ with him.

“...josh, here, play around in the river for me dude, it’s crazy fun.” Once he had the boy situated, Benrey made his way into the apartment’s small kitchen, brow furrowed slightly. Gordon was deliberately avoiding eye contact — he could just tell. 

“...gordon. what’s wrong? ‘n’ don’t bother lying, bro. i can tell.”

“I don’t... I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“bro, c’mon, what’s wrong? y’know you’re not gonna just, shake me off that easy man.”

“I said, I  _ don’t want to talk about it, Benrey. _ ”

“gordon, you can’t just—”

THUNK.

Benrey’s voice trailed off as Gordon stabbed the knife he had been holding into the cutting board, leaving it standing straight up.

“I don’t. Want. To talk. About it.” Gordon’s voice was terse, quiet, and it was clear he was trying to not alarm Joshua or to go off on Benrey; however, it was also clear that he was  _ not _ budging.

“...fine.” Benrey slunk back around to where he left Joshua, picking the boy up and settling him back into his lap. “you havin’ fun, kid? yea, goin’ ham in those rivers is fun shit, man.”

A shaking sigh slipped from Gordon’s lips. Already, regret began to sink deep within him. Logically, he  _ knows _ he shouldn’t be so angry at Benrey. Things... well, they didn’t happen  _ exactly _ like in his dream. Benrey hadn’t actually been the one to do the deed...

Right?

Gordon felt as his stomach began to churn. The lights... they had been out. How was he supposed to know? What if... what if Benrey  _ had _ been the one to cut his arm off? What if Tommy and Bubby held him down, while Coomer beat him senseless? The thought made him break into a cold sweat. But... surely, if... if that had really happened... they would have apologized, right?

_ Getting any kind of apology out of Bubby was like pulling teeth before. Benrey still hadn’t really apologized at all. _

Suddenly, Gordon just wanted to cry, to scream and tell Benrey to get  _ out, _ never fucking come back again, to leave him and his son alone — but he bit it back, swallowed it like rising bile.  _ Keep your head on, Freeman, _ He thought. _ Don’t fall apart. You can’t have a breakdown — you haven’t even finished making breakfast. _

Deep breath in. Deep breath out.

Yanking the knife back out of the cutting board, Gordon went back to cooking.


	3. science team

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> gordon becomes a little aggravated with the science team

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY FOR A COUPLE DAYS BETWEEN THIS AND THE LAST ONE i had no meds and it was giving me brain rot

“...The Main Premise Of The Series Is That The Beyblade Is Customizable, With Interchangeable Parts. Beyblade Is Now Manufactured By Many Different Companies Including Hasbro. Both The Toys And Their Names Were Inspired By "Beigoma", A Traditional Spinning Top. They Took Heavy Inspiration From Pokemon. The Concept Is Similar To Battling Tops, A Board Game Developed By Ideal Toy Company In 1968.”

Coomer’s voice felt like it was droning on and on, and while normally Gordon could find even a slight sense of amusement at the scientist’s seemingly endless knowledge of Wikipedia articles, his lack of sleep and growing agitation made this much less amusing.

Gordon, Coomer, Bubby, and Tommy sat around the dining room table (Benrey had taken Joshua out for the day, sensing Gordon’s bad mood and wanting nothing to do with it.) While the other three chattered along, Gordon sat with his chin resting on his palms, brow furrowed, staring blankly out into nothingness. He was only half listening, mind phasing in and out of the conversation, before he suddenly realized that a hand was being waved in front of his face.

“M-Mr. freeman?? Are you okay? You’ve- You’ve kind of been just- just sitting there with this, look on your face.”

Blink. Blink. Suddenly Gordon came back to reality — well, somewhat. It felt like, for a brief flash, the men in front of him were once more attacking him as they had in his dream; Tommy to his left, Bubby to his right, and Coomer in front of him, and Gordon could feel his chest tightening, before he finally could see what was really around him. The three scientists all stared at him with differing levels of concern, Bubby the least and Tommy the most.

Gordon paused for a moment to rub his face, trying to force a deep breath even though his chest was so painfully squeezed and his throat felt like it was closing up.

“Yeah — yeah, I’m. I’m fine, just... didn’t... get much sleep last night.”

“Up all night fucking around again Gordon? It helps if you actually  _ try _ to sleep you know.” Bubby’s snide remark grated on Gordon’s ears, and he clenches his jaw.

“ _ No, _ Bubby. I actually  _ was _ trying to sleep.”

“Were you- you thinking about something, mr.- mr. freeman? Sometimes I- I think about things like-like b-beyblade, alot, and I can’t fall asleep.”

“...kind of, Tommy. I don’t... I just don’t really want to talk about it.”

“Now, Dr. Freeman! It Is Important That You Let Your Feelings Out! Bottling Up Your Emotions Like A Bottle Of Coca-Cola® Isn’t Healthy, You Know!”

“Coomer, I  _ really _ don’t want to talk about it. Just... drop it,  _ please. _ ”

“Gordon, For One PlayCoin TM I Can Drop This Subject!”

“Fucking — I’m  _ out _ of play coins, Coomer. Come on, don’t fuck with me. I’m  _ really _ not in the mood.”

“Come now Gordon theres  _ no _ need to be such a little baby about it! Its only a little friendly ribbing. Youre really blowing this out of proportion.”

“Bubby. I swear to  _ god. _ I’ve fucking asked nicely, don’t be a  _ fucking _ asshole—”

_ Cling. _

The fork in Gordon’s prosthetic slipped from the plastic fingers and onto the floor, probably due to the fact that his arm was trembling profusely, his grip loose.

“M-Mr. freeman, do you need a hand...?”

Something felt like it  _ snapped. _

“Well... maybe if you all didn’t  _ FUCKING _ get  _ mine _ cut off,  _ NONE OF THIS WOULD BE FUCKING HAPPENING!” _

In an instant, Gordon left Tommy, Coomer, and Bubby in stunned silence as he got up from the table and stormed out of his front door, slamming it closed behind himself.


	4. gordon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> gordon loses touch

The tears began forming the moment he sat up, and began rolling down his cheeks the moment he slammed the door. Everything around him felt hazy, as if the world itself became smudged like dirty glass; Air struggled in and out of his lungs and it felt as though a python was crushing his chest oh so slowly, crushing him,  _ suffocating him _ —

Had hours or seconds passed? He didn’t know. He didn’t know. But he found himself crawling into the driver’s seat of his car, fighting himself with every breath. Tears, hot and thick, dripped onto the steering wheel, which Gordon found himself gripping tightly in his hands as though his life depended on it.

_ Has Anyone Seen Dr. Freeman? _

_ What are they doing to mr. freeman?  _

_ Didnt I tell you you fucked up?  _

_ do your job right and he’s gonna be  _ **_dead_ ** _ soon. _

“Get out of my head!” The words tore, animalistic, from his throat, muffled in his own ears. “SHUT UP!” The words echoed a thousand-fold in his brain, the same as when he had been attacked by Dr. Coomer back in Black Mesa, and then he was thrown back to the loss of his arm  _ all over again _ —

It felt like it lasted for hours like this. Resentful thoughts flooded his mind, which reminded him of events back in Black Mesa, which pulled him back to the beginning of losing his arm... it was ruthless and endless. The longer this went on, the less attached to reality Gordon felt. He was losing his mind, losing  _ himself. _

_ Has Anyone Seen Dr. Freeman? What are they doing to mr. freeman? Didnt I tell you you fucked up? do your job right and he’s gonna be  _ **_dead_ ** _ soon. _

There, in his car, Gordon sat, choking on his sobs even as he ran out of tears. It felt like every singular molecule in his body was in excruciating pain and he just wanted it all to be  _ over. _

He hated them. Every single one of them. For  _ everything _ they did to him — Bubby for betraying him and setting him up to lose his arm, Coomer for the attack of his clones and the traumatizing experience of having his mind invaded, Tommy for seeming to just stand by as everything happened to him and for his naivety that was almost exhausting, and Benrey for... well,  _ everything. _

He thought that maybe, for once in his miserable, lonely, isolated fucking life, he had actually found  _ friends _ . Maybe he was just so starved for love from his peers that he clung to the first people who had shown him, really,  _ any _ kind of attention. And, the same way that it had turned out when he did it years before in school, it had completely fucking backfired on him, and left him feeling sadder and lonelier than before. God, he was such a fucking idiot...

_ Knock knock. _

Feeling far too resigned to start yelling at whoever was knocking on his car window, Gordon slowly lifted his tear-stained face. Standing outside was one Tommy Coolatta, concern evident in every line of his face. He knocked again, and Gordon, exhausted as he was by his own emotions, motioned with his head for Tommy to go to the passenger side. A few moments later, the door opened, and the man poked his head inside the car.

“M-Mr. freeman? Can we, um, talk? I know you’re-you’re upset, mr. freeman, but i-i wanna maybe help you...”

Part of Gordon wanted to  _ scream _ in the other’s face to leave him  _ alone _ , to tell Coomer and Bubby to  _ leave _ his apartment and  _ never _ come back and that he hated every single one of them for the things they had done —

Once more, though, he swallowed these words, swallowed them like bile, biting his tongue. Tommy... wanted to help, genuinely.

“...okay.”


	5. discussion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> gordon and tommy have a good old yee haw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY FOR SUCH A LONG GAP BETWEEN THIS AND THE LAST CHAPTER i got brain rot again!!!!

Tommy slid himself into the passenger seat, closing the door once he was settled. (He buckled his seat belt, too, despite the fact that Gordon’s keys weren’t even in the ignition.) They sat in silence for a few moments, Gordon miserably resting his head once again on the steering wheel and Tommy fidgeting with his fingers.

“So-so, um, m-mr. Freeman... Whuh-wh-what’s wrong? It’s not... um, well, it’s kind of like you t-to blow up, on us like that, but some-something was... different there.

So Tommy was getting right to the point. Sliding down slightly in his seat, a deep sigh escaped from Gordon’s lips. There was no point in hiding the truth from him at this point, was there?

“...Last night. I... had a really bad nightmare. Like, fuckin’... one of the worst ever. It was... y’know... when Bubby and Benrey had me jumped. When...” Words failed him, and his mouth suddenly felt bone dry, so he only weakly waved his prosthetic hand in an attempt to finish his sentence.

“Wuh-when the United States military cut off your arm, mr. freeman?”

“Yeah. That.”

“That’s — that makes, sense. Trauma like that ca-can leave you with po-post traumatic stress dis-disorder, mr. freeman. I read about it on wikipedia, and — and in some books.”

Trauma.  _ Shit, _ he thought. He had never really thought about it but... it  _ was _ trauma. That entire situation was traumatic for him. 

...that was something for future Gordon to deal with later. Present Gordon had enough on his plate.

“Right. So... there was somethin’, y’know, somethin’ different about this one. I didn’t just like... I dunno, relive it? But... the lights came back on...” The words rose like bile in his throat, and he felt like he’d be sick if he didn’t spew them out soon, but  _ God _ he was so  _ afraid—  _

“It wasn’t some random boot boys who were doing everything... it... was you guys.”

A long pause, the silence felt almost deafening in Gordon’s ears, and he felt as though he was two seconds away from  _ screaming _ if Tommy didn’t say anything.

“So... m-me, and, mr. coomer and bubby and benrey? We cut off your arm, mr. freeman?”

“Yeah... yeah. I’ve... went back through that time a few times in my dreams before, but uh. Never... never like that.”

“That — that seems , i-in line with ptsd, mr. freeman. W-wikipedia says, that, the event is commonly relived by the individual through intrusive, recurrent recollections, dissociative episodes of reliving the trauma ("flashbacks"), and nightmares.”

Well. Tommy had come for his throat without even thinking about it.

“Yeah, that... that does sound like me, ha ha.” The laugh is weak, clearly forced, and hardly even a laugh at all, really. “Happens pretty consistently every day since we got out of Black Mesa.”

Tommy sat quietly, fiddling with the strap of his fastened seat belt while he contemplated Gordon’s words. “Well, um,” he begins shakily, “i... i don’t know, um, if this’ll help, much, mr. freeman, but i can promise that mr. coomer and i did-didn’t, actually hurt you... i-i don’t think bubby did either, i think he was — was holding me back, from you. He offered me th-the beyblade, to keep quiet.” Another pregnant pause. “And, b-benrey, he’s — he’s a valued, employee of black mesa, mr. freeman. He — he and bubby, they definitely... um, set you up, but i don’t think he actually hurt you either.”

“Tommy, I don’t... I don’t want to immediately doubt you, but what the hell makes you say that? How can you  _ know _ with Benrey? Hell, we’re — he’s my  _ boyfriend _ and sometimes I hardly feel like I know what’s going on inside his head.”

“He’s my-my friend, mr. freeman! And — and he’s your friend, too! He, uh, he definitely made some mistakes and did some bad stuff, but h-he’s changed! And, and even then, i don’t — don’t think he would ever wants t-to hurt you, himself.”

Sinking further down in his seat, Gordon felt a pit forming in the bottom of his stomach.

“I, um... i know we haven’t, done... done the best things as-as your friends, mr. freeman, but... we, um. We all care about you!”

_ We all care about you. _

That hit Gordon right in the heart, so sharply that it felt as though Tommy as just  _ stabbed _ him.

“...thank you, Tommy. That... means a lot to me.”

Another surprise, in the form of the other man reaching over and wrapping his arms tightly around Gordon as best as he could.

“Of course, m-mr. Freeman!”

A hug. Tommy... was giving him a hug. After he had exploded at them, went slamming out of his own apartment, was caught dissociating and sobbing in his car. Tommy was hugging him.

He wraps his arms around Tommy in return.

Things... would be okay. They would be okay.

He needed to talk to Benrey.


	6. dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> gordon and benrey have a talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and it is finished!!!! thank you all so much for sticking with me while ive been dragging my feet on this last chapter!! idk what ill actually write next so maybe if yall have any ideas 4 smth u would want me 2 write dont be afraid 2 drop them! :3

“Okay... okay. I just... I guess lemme start and say I’m sorry.”

Well.  _ That _ was an interesting start to the conversation, Benrey thought. He’d be lying, though, if he said that it wasn’t appreciated.

“yeah uh. better, better be. feetman.” A pause. Benrey clears his throat. “sorry. go on.”

Apologies and explanations had, by this point, already been dished out to Coomer and Bubby, who took it in stride without much offense (Bubby just shrugged it off with his usual indifference, while Coomer gave Gordon a very heavy handed pat on the shoulder. His shoulder  _ still _ hurt.)

“So, yeah, I. I’m sorry for kinda blowing up on you earlier today. This morning.” Gordon’s words start out shaky, and he stops himself to take a deep breath.  _ Stay steady, Freeman. _ “I uh. I was dealing with a lot, in my head, and I lashed out at you. And I shouldn’t have, because you were just trying to help.”

God, he felt like he was at some kind of AA meeting, and he hated it. It felt so... formal so  _ wrong, _ so unlike how he normally talked with Benrey, but he knew that this was a more serious moment; their back and forth banter had no place here right now.

“So... last night.” He figured that he might as well get this ball rolling. “I had... a really shitty nightmare. When... y’know.” He waved the prosthetic fasted to his right arm. This happened.”

“mhm.” Something flashed across Benrey’s face, something unreadable; something that Gordon was not a fan of. It was so hard to talk about the betrayal; such an ugly stain on their history, something they both wanted to just ignore but knew they couldn’t.

“And, uh. It wasn’t just those boot boys who did it. And... the lights came on, so I could see who it was.”

“mhm.”

“...it was you and the science team. And, uhm.  _ You _ actually. Cut my arm off.”

“...oh.”

“Yeah.”

An uncomfortable silence hung over them at that point; what the hell were either of them supposed to say? Never had they stopped and talked about this, even when they had gotten together. It was just something that was left, hanging uncomfortably between them, staring them both in their faces silently as they went about their lives.

“well, uh. can promise you s’not how that happened, bro. i mean... me ‘n’ bubby did uh. set you up but. neither of us actually touched you... ‘n’ tommy ‘n’ coomer had no clue. but... i know brains can, uh. be pretty sucks about that shit sometimes.”

“Ha. That’s an understatement.”

“yeah...” A long pause, Benrey’s lips smacking ever so quietly for a few moments as he thought, before he speaks up again, voice low. “...’m uh. ‘m sorry, gordon. for. all that shit. really am.”

Now it was Gordon’s turn to be completely caught off guard. Benrey... apologized. He had heard that correctly.

“i uh. i was big pissed about. y’know. all the shit that happened, ‘n’ uh. i figured sellin’ you out to the military might get them t’ leave us alone. let us get outta black mesa quicker.” Another pause, before he adds, “didn’t work. so then we were just, big mads and you were out there probably dead for all we knew, and uhm,” He cleared his throat, tried to keep his voice from wavering, “...yeah. yeah.”

Wow.  _ Wow. _ Something about what Benrey had said was so... raw. Something about that really,  _ really _ struck Gordon hard. Benrey was kind of a reserved guy emotionally at times, so seeing him so close to breaking was... it hurt, really. It hurt something deep in Gordon’s heart.

“...water under the bridge, man. If it was me, I probably would have done the same shit.” He reached out, ever so carefully linked their fingers together. “I, uh... I dunno what else to say, man, but. I accept the apology. It’s — we’re okay.”

Silence stretched over them, a silence that felt so, so loud, before Benrey managed a smile.

“we’re okay,” he repeated. “we’re okay.”


End file.
